From my wife Angela's social media post yesterday.
This is the story of how my son came to wear nicer underwear than me.
The plan: Bring Dave food. Then head out to Lake Mills area for a hike. Go to my mom’s house on the way home.
What occurred: went to McD’s to obtain food. While in the line, Zach told me he had to go potty. Get to the radio station, Dave comes out, I tell him Zach has to go potty—-1 & 2. He takes Zach inside, brings him back out. Immediately Avery says she has to go potty now. He takes her, brings her back out. Zach informs me while they are gone that he didn’t go poop and still needs to. When Dave came back, I said “Now Zach is saying he has to poop.” Dave: “ok, no. I’ve taken them both in. I need to get the news in.” I say ok, we leave. Asked Zach if he wanted to go home to poop or head to the trail. He said “my poop went back up my booty butt.” I mean, this seemed reasonable. Haven’t we all had that happen? You think you have to go but then it somehow heads back where it came from? So off we go.
I’m on the freeway and as we approach the Brookfield area Zach starts screaming “mommy! I have to poop!” in a frantic manner. I say “ok! I’ll get off at the next exit!” Get off at the exit for The Corners and frantically pull into the mall area. Drove to an area with a large dumpster and a sort of plastic gated off area. Scan the car. Grabbed Avery’s empty happy meal box, some napkins, and a bottle of water. Pulled Zach out and told him to poop in the box. 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ He pulls his pants out and says “mommy! The poop is already in my pants!” I look and there is indeed a pile of runny corn laden fecal matter in his drawers. Pulled off the shorts and briefs and cleaned him up. Meanwhile Avery is indignant bc I was using HER water bottle. 😑. Threw all the stuff in the dumpster and get him back in the car. However he is now naked from the waist down. I worried about going home bc 20 minutes seemed to give him a long time to poop in the car seat which is a worse mess. Then I wonder if the car seat buckle against his nether regions would somehow damage his balls and render him unable to have kids. I decide I won’t be responsible for testicular damage and I also don’t want to clean my car seat so I drive the car to Von Mauer across the parking lot. Considered my options:
1) leave them in the car with no AC which is basically inhumane
2) leave them in the car with it running and risk them attempting to drive my van or someone stealing the van and them.
3) take my son into a nice department store with his dick out.
Finally I remember Avery has on both underwear and cartwheel shorts under her dress. I make her fork over the shorts. They are falling off him, but the places the sun doesn’t shine are covered, so in we march, him holding the shorts so they don’t fall down.
Children’s section is lower level. My kids have ridden many escalators but I suppose I failed to consider we haven’t been to a mall in many moons due to COVID. I step onto the escalator holding Avery’s hand. She was holding zach’s.
Normally they would step onto the step behind me. Instead, he panicked, and started dog paddling his way back to the top, Avery bumped into me, and the next thing I know Zach is screaming at the top and Avery and I are halfway down.
“DON’T MOVE!” I yelled, as it echoed through this large empty store. I frantically got to the bottom, ran around, took the escalator back up, raced over to him, scooped him up, and then all three of us rode down, again, to the children’s area. I am almost to the racks of boy stuff when Zach grabs his booty and screams “mommy! I have to poop!” Whipped around, grabbed him, we start running to the lower level bathroom. Behind me, Avery starts telling me she wants me to buy some stuffie she is holding. Pushing the door open with my head turned to look at them, I hiss “Avery. I don’t give a flying SHIT about that stuffed cat. Put it down and let’s go.” Two ladies inside smile at us that have clearly heard me swear at my child, and then I get Zach into a stall and wait. While we wait, a couple more people enter. Zach calls out “mommy I am done poopin but there is still corn in my butt!” 🤦🏼♀️. I go in and clean him up, and we head back out. Finally get to the clothes. I scan the area to see what I could buy that would be cheap. Best options seem to be a swimsuit for $16 or a pair of Nike shorts for $25. I took the shorts bc dude has 7 swimsuits already. I find the display of underwear and am relieved to see packs of character briefs bc I think these will be cheap. They were, but didn’t have anything smaller than a 7/8. I grabbed the pack of Calvin Klein’s, paid for my items, told my beggar children to put the gigantic unicorn back, and headed to the car, where I dressed my son in $18 for 2 pairs Calvin Klein briefs.
So here he is having his Mark Wahlberg moment. 🤷🏼♀️
Decided we weren’t risking corn pooping up our designer toddler underwear and took them to my moms.
Hopefully happy trails await us tomorrow 🤷🏼♀️☀️